Sad today with a hurting heart and weary spirit

It has been a year and a half since my husband and I learned about what my daughter was thinking, researching and  what she believes about herself.  I have spent countless hours praying, thinking, crying, pleading, loving, regretting, worrying, feeling angry, helpless, hopeless.  I have lost 10 pounds which I didn’t need to lose- which do make my jeans fit a bit nicer but certainly doesn’t make my spirit brighter. I’ve lost countless hours of sleep and hours of joy.  I feel so sad, so worried, so tired.  My husband loves and  has concern for our daughter and loves and is concerned about me, but he is a “black and white” thinker -who is used to creating solutions which solve concrete problems.  This time something has happened and is happening to our daughter that we can’t fix.  It’s not a “solvable”problem.  And it’s something nobody else, no professional can or is willing to  help solve or fix.  As harsh as this will sound, it would have been easier if our daughter had cancer…there would be so much help for her and for us.  Because her situation is seen, by society, as “normal”, it is viewed as not needing to be “fixed”.  But, because I AM Mom, and because she is and always has been a part of my heart, and because I have seen and felt NO evidence past and present for this being “normal”,  I know that this needs to be “solved”. It needs to be fixed.  I am trying to rely on my faith in God and trust that my continual prayers, through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, will be heard by Him.  Trying to hold faith that “things will turn out okay” (a chinese fortune cookie paper, taped inside a cupboard in my bathroom—I read it every morning when I pull out my skin care products). As time passes and I see no positive signs, it is so hard to keep my faith.  I have to cling to it with all of my heart. I have to fight the thoughts and feelings I believe the Devil sometimes puts into my mind.  I am so sad, so angry, feeling so alone at times.

Our society is changing and there is much more freedom and opportunity for girls than there was when I was her age.  While this is a positive thing, it also can have negative effects.  Society begins to accept that everything which once was seen as strange and wrong is actually okay.  And I don’t completely disagree with this thinking.  I do, however, also know that sometimes when someone thinks they are “different” and that this is “okay”- they are completely mistaken.  There are documented cases of regret. Also suicides.  I believe that my daughter has been tragically mislead.  I am angry with the internet.  With the sometimes crazy voices which are always so loud and so “right”.  I am angry with our society which accepts her thinking as correct, when I know in my heart of hearts who she is.  I am so upset with the lumping together of people with sexual attraction differences and those who are so uncomfortable in their own skin that they think they need to be the opposite of what they were created to be.  Sexual attraction and Body Dysphoria are two totally different personal situations, and yet they have been lumped together.

We are all just humans, trying to make our way through our lives on this earth.  To work, learn, eat, sleep and love.   Currently society has this need for labels about how we feel about ourselves, our bodies, and how we feel about others…heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, gay, straight, boy, girl.  Sometimes there doesn’t have to be any LABELS for how we are feeling…we just ARE.

 

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